Wrestling And Weeping In The Closet

The memories are so vivid in my mind it is like they happened just yesterday. I sat in a closet weeping and scared. The mental battles and internal struggle I endured isolated me from family and friends. My only solace was sitting in that closet with my back against the wall and crying my heart out. Nobody knew. I did not tell a single soul about my struggles except God.

This all occurred back in July of 1985. I just graduated from my beloved Lufkin High School. I earned a football scholarship to play at Howard Payne University. My intention was to major in journalism. So started my dilemma.

One Sunday night earlier that Spring my pastor, Charles M. Roberts, preached a message that pierced my soul. In that moment I felt a calling and conviction I had not ever known. I resisted. I quickly dismissed the whole experience and forgot all about over eating pizza with my friends after that evening service.

I made a decision later that Spring that would change the course of my life. I signed up to attend two different youth camps in successive weeks. The first camp was held on the campus of Baylor University. Leaders designed the camp for leadership students. The mornings were spent in age graded worship and Bible study and the evening concluded with all the age groups coming together for a collective worship service.

After the second night I sought seclusion and solace in the closet in my dorm room. My friends were all out enjoying free time. I sat with my back against the closet wall weeping, praying, and scared out of my mind. The third day of that camp things intensified even more. Every Bible study seemed directed at me. Once again, after the evening service, I went back to that same closet weeping, praying, and scared.

The last day and night of camp the pressure became almost unbearable. Back to the closet with more crying, praying, and fear. God would not stop dealing with me. He would not be ignored. I did not tell a soul of my struggles.

With some relief I packed my bags to head home the following day. I spent most of Friday sleeping. Saturday night I went on a date. Sunday I went to church and received last minute instructions about our youth camp the following day.

I took to heart some of the lessons I learned from the previous week of camp. I enjoyed that time at the Pinewoods Baptist Encampment. Each night during the worship service I felt turmoil in my soul. Each night I successfully fought it.

July 4, 1985 we gathered for our last time of worship for camp. It is a night I will never forget. I do not recall the preacher or the message preached. I do recall a man sitting at the piano and leading us in extended worship. With each song the pressure increased. I wrestled in the seat uncomfortably. With each song I writhed in greater agony just like I had in that closet the week before.

The internal pressure crescendoed during the altar call. As I stood there among the hundreds of other students I offered this prayer, "Okay Lord. I will make a deal with You. I will do it. I will surrender. I will preach if You promise You will never leave me alone to do it. If You promise You will always help me I will preach."

The hardest step proved to the be the first one out of my seat. I knew there would be no turning back from that moment. It was my burn the ships experience with God. I walked up to my youth minister and mumbled, "God is calling me to preach." He did not seem surprised which surprised me. He counseled me to make that call public when we returned to our church on Sunday and he prayed with me.

That all took place 30 years ago! I will never forget those nights of wrestling and weeping in the closet. From time to time I still do that. It might not be in a literal closet as I did 30 years ago but here in this office nook, at the church office or other secluded spots I have wrestled with God and wept many times.

I think of an 8 hour encounter with God on the back porch of some friends' house in Seminole, TX. I was just passing through for the night. They took naps that afternoon and I sat out to pray and seek God. God spoke one verse that day that shook me to the core.

John 5:17 (NASB)
¹⁷  But He answered them, "My Father is working until now, and I Myself am working."

There have been other nights of wrestling and weeping with God other calls on my life to minister in new settings among new people. I have served 8 different churches and preached in dozens of others. There were many skeptics that July 4th night 30 years ago. There were even more that following Sunday morning when I went forward to tell my pastor. He believed in me but others in the congregation had their doubts.

30 years later I question, "God, why did You call and choose me. I've had so little to offer You over the years. I am not the smartest. I am not eloquent. I am not diplomatic. I am a little shy and tend to be reclusive. Why did You ever choose me?'

I am reminded of some scriptures that give me the answer.

1 Corinthians 1:26-31 (NASB)
²⁶  For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble;
²⁷  but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong,
²⁸  and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are,
²⁹  so that no man may boast before God.
³⁰  But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption,
³¹  so that, just as it is written, "LET HIM WHO BOASTS, BOAST IN THE LORD."

He only called me to glorifyHimself.  He has kept our deal and not left me alone to preach all these years. I know it is Him. I know He gives the revelation, He inspires the messages, He anoints the delivery, He convicts the hearers, He saves the lost and He gets ALL THE GLORY! I feel just as called today as I did 30 years ago. I never  know where His call will lead but I promised Him years ago I would go ANYWHERE, AT ANYTIME, TO DO ANYTHING He called me to do. I still mean it. 

Looking back I thank God for those nights of wrestling and weeping in that closet. I am humbled that God looked down on this foolish boy choosing me to shame the wise and strong over the years. GLORY TO HIS NAME.