I Rock Myself To Sleep

Growing up without a father definitely scarred me. When I say growing up without a father, I mean not ever having a father present in my formative childhood years, in my turbulent teenage years, into young adulthood, and now middle age.

No father ever watched me play little league. I had no father to teach me to throw, to catch,  to hunt, to fish, to mow a yard or to manage money. I did have a maternal grandfather who meant the world to me. When he died of leukemia my sophomore year I cried uncontrollably. The pain and grief were nearly unbearable. He was the closest thing to a father I ever knew. He was a great athlete and I wanted nothing more than to please him and make him proud. The last football season he watched me I sat the bench the whole year. I never played and the fact that he came to those games made me feel  like I let him down. I vowed I would never sit the bench again and did not. He did not live long enough to see it though.

Being fatherless wounded me. I suffered from low self esteem. I fought and scrapped with most everyone to prove I belonged. My first day of varsity football practice in high school I got in a fight with an upperclassman. I had to prove I belonged. I had to prove I was not scared.

When I decided I to marry Brenda I had no father to seek his counsel. When each of the four boys were born there was no father to rejoice with me in those moments. My boys have never known what it is like to have a grandfather. Brenda's dad only met my boys once. He died several years ago.

The lack of a father in my life impacts me to this day. It is why I've strived to tell my boys I love them, am proud of them and tried to be there for them. I know what it feels like to grow up fatherless.

Yet, I cannot say I know what it is like to grow up parentless. My mother loved me and my siblings. She sacrificed for us. She provided for us. She did the best she could. I am sad she only met Taylor and Tanner. She held Tanner one time before she died when he was only three months old.

This week my family met Mike and Julie Carter for supper in Weatherford. There are no words to describe the depth of love we have for the Carters. They were on their way to the airport to pick up some orphans from Ukraine. They, along with many others, are host families for these orphans desperately seeking adoptions in the States.

Many of these orphans are up against a deadline. If they do not get adopted within a certain time frame they are sentenced to a miserable life in the Ukraine. The males are either turned out on the streets  or put in the military where they will serve on the front lines because they are expendable.

Tanner once had a friend who was adopted from Romania. He spent the night in our home once. Before going to sleep he warned Tanner, "Don't get scared. I rock myself to sleep." The thought of that grieves my soul. A child so lonely the only comfort he could find was in rocking himself. He grew up in the orphanage without warm hugs. Without the reassurance of unconditional love. Without  nurture. Though his adoptive parents did all they could to love him the damage had already been done. His teenage years have been turbulent.

Growing up fatherless I desperately wanted love and approval. I wanted someone to be proud of me. I  latched onto any words of affirmation and gravitated toward those who spoke them. I cannot imagine the pain of growing up in an environment where a child gets lost in the crowd. While basic needs are met none of their emotional needs are met.

Fear. Insecurity. Lack of trust. A survival mentality is deeply engrained in these orphans. They have to survive the pecking order in orphanages where the strong can dominate the weak. I wonder how many grow up without hope especially as they age in the orphanage. They lose hope of ever having a family of their own.

How many longingly ache for things most children take for granted. A gentle pat on the head. A reassuring and loving embrace. To sit on a parent's lap. To be a part of a family around the dinner table. To be fussed over on a birthday. To have a book read to them. To be overjoyed on a Christmas morning. To have tears tenderly wiped from their cheeks.

How many countless orphans or foster kids rock themselves to sleep at night because they have nobody else to do it. It is tragic and sad.

My only comfort. Psalm 68:5 (NASB) 
⁵  A father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows, Is God in His holy habitation.

The word fatherless in this verse can also be translated as "orphan." God is a father to the orphans. In the scary night watches when fears float and despair devastates God is there. He has not forgotten the orphans not even those who will never be adopted. He is available to hug, to comfort, to reassure, to heal, to bless, to love, to counsel, and yes even to gently rock to sleep.

God the Father has been every bit a father to me more so than any earthy father could ever have been. That is my hope and prayer for those Ukrainian orphans and others around the world.

Father, You see how many children are fatherless. Yo see their pain. You are aware of the loneliness. You see the tears and You know every single scar on their wounded and battered hearts. You are able to penetrate their psyche. Lord, I ask You to give them homes with families who fear and know You. I also ask, for those who have to rock themselves to sleep at night, that You somehow reveal and manifest Yourself. I ask You to comfort them as only You can do. In Jesus name, amen.