Abandoned

I want to live my life even more abandoned to God. Part of the definition for the word abandoned means to give up control - to yield oneself without restraint or moderation. That is the earnest cry of my heart.  I want to give up all control of my life to the Lord. I want to be completely and utterly yielded to him without any restraint.

I think I know what I am seeking and asking of God. I want him to have all of me. My sleep. My labors. My appetite. My free time. My recreation. My family. My ministry. My possessions. I want to be totally abandoned to him.

This is the New Testament picture of what it means to be a follower of Jesus. Far too many people want the fire insurance of salvation without abandoning their lives to him. It doesn't work that way. I heard many years ago a saying that Jesus is either Lord of all or not Lord at all. I want him to be Lord of every fiber of my being.

While I thought I had lived abandoned to him in in the past, being willing to move and relocate my ministry without thought of financial compensation, I am learning now how wrong I have been. To be abandoned does not just mean in the big things like being willing to move to another town, state, or even another country. Living abandoned means even in the little things. Like when I sit down to eat. Like how I relate to other people. Like what I view on television. Like my temper as I react to different situations. Like my dreams and desires as a pastor and author. Living abandoned means total and unconditional surrender.

That is what Jesus has been after in me all along. He wanted me to abandon all to him. I wanted to serve him with my desires sprinkled in. I wanted to yield to him but I also wanted control of certain areas of my life. Now I have come to see he demands complete abandonment. Complete surrender. Complete yielding. Complete and utter forsaking of what I want in favor of what he wants.

I have spent a good portion of the morning on my face crying out for God to take control of every part of my life. I am not seeking an experience. I am seeking more of him. He wants more than just the big things of my life. He wants all of me. Down to the last drop. As much as I know how, I am willingly offering him everything.

Now I see in hindsight that many of the trials I have gone through have been God pushing me more and more to complete abandonment to him. How often I resisted the pressure from his loving hands and complained how it hurt. All he wanted from me was complete yielding to him and his purposes. I thought I knew the better way and wasted nearly two years in prayer whining.

Once again I sit in my new home office writing this. Though I am as grateful as I have ever been for a place to live, I also know this house and office are a blessing to be enjoyed and not an idol to serve. Living abandoned means that I may get to enjoy this house for decades and I may be called to uproot and leave it one day. Living abandoned means my money is his money. He can do with it anything he pleases. My money is abandoned to him. My house is abandoned to him. My possessions are abandoned to him. My boys are abandoned to him and with one entering his senior year and preparing for college who knows where God will lead him.

Living abandoned means I do not have the right to drive a new vehicle every time I want. It means that I trust Him for provision rather than depending on a church. It means that each time I walk into a store I do not have to buy something. It means my time is his time. I do not have to have a vacation or a day off. I do not have to have a plush retirement account. Living abandoned means that my days are to be given in pursuit of what I was created to do. To preach and to write. Living abandoned means that I may not ever get to enjoy retirement but may labor until the day I die.

Living abandoned to God means more than I ever contemplated before. It is still what I want. I want Jesus to have every part of me. Totally abandoned to him. I desire to put my whole life and family in his hands to do with whatever he desires.