Soul Agony

The worship services this past week at Beach Camp were intense. I sensed the presence of the Lord powerfully. I preached my soul out. It had been soul agonizing days. Seldom have I ever felt more inadequate to preach than I have at that camp. Messages did not come easy.

I wrestled with the Lord about what to preach every night. The day before I had no clarity until around 5:30 p.m. Yesterday, I had no direction at all for the message until 4:30 p.m. and it went in a direction I would have never predicted before the start of camp. I never know what He wants me to preach. At times I feel stressed but God always reveals what He wants preached in the nick of time

People have no idea how I agonized with the Lord in prayer to hear the messages He wanted for those students. It was spiritually exhausting but worth it all when I saw those students on the edge of their seats hearing the word of the Lord. Hours I wrestled with God crying out for His heart for each night. When each service ended and students began filing out there was no silly chatter. The students were silent, deep in thought, some under conviction, and all a little dazed from the evenings. God met with us and spoke to us at camp.

I left the worship center to come back to my room. The battle for the souls of the students dropped me to my knees to pray next to my bed for them while they were debriefing the evening in their small groups. I agonized over tbose students wrestling with matters of eternity. I later learned several were saved.

I agonized over every message. The Lord alone knows the time I spent in my room during camp crying out to Him for His word for the students and for Him to move. In many ways it was the most difficult camp I ever preached. It was difficult trying to hear from the Lord and pleading with Him to move powerfully. I did not get direction before camp started and persevered to hear from Him while at camp.

One night in the middle of the service tears came to my eyes as the pain of the students hit me forcefully. I kept thinking of all they have to endure and I kept crying out on the inside, “It’s not fair!” This gave me greater motivation and passion to deliver the word of the Lord. The difficulty ended each night as I mounted the platform and opened the word of the Lord to those students. I preached my heart out. I left contented each night that I had preached exactly what the Lord wanted preached.

This is why I prayed after the last night of camp for God to keep opening doors for me to preach other camps as long as he gives me breath. My soul aches for this generation of students who are confused, broken, wounded, and many without hope. They know I love them and I care but I do not preach easy messages. I preach what God gives me.

I cannot say it is easy or enjoyable to live with your soul in agony with God’s burden. I can say it is necessary. It is necessary so that I do not drift into a cold, callused hearted preacher who no longer feels. I never want to quit feeling.

As I finish this I am back in Seminole. It is Sunday morning and I have been up for an hour and a half finishing the message for this morning. My soul again hurts for the people God has entrusted to me. I ache for them. Many of them are hurting. Many are heavy laden. I come today to offer them the hope of God’s word. I love these people. I am more than their preacher. I am their pastor and as a result I care about their wellbeing. Whey they hurt I hurt. When they endure trials I agonize with them.

Lord, thank you for the agony in my soul. Thank you for allowing me to feel what moves your heart. Thank you for using me to communicate your truth to people who are afflicted and distressed. Thank you for allowing me to preach at camp this past week and behind the pulpit at FBC Seminole. Thank you for allowing me to hear from you so I can communicate your heart to those who need to hear it. May you empower me to do so again today.