Friday morning I mowed a church lawn right across the street from a church I used to serve as pastor. While busying myself cutting grass and edging I noticed the church across the street getting ready for a funeral. My heart began to grieve. I had not heard who died but that made little difference. I began thinking of all those people I loved and still love and began to grieve. I also noticed many familiar faces getting out of their cars. These are people I love and miss still to this day.
The next day I received word a little girl in Seminole had died after a long battle with a tumor. Once again my heart grieved. I thought of this family and many others I love and miss. I grieved all day Saturday and even into the early morning hours of Sunday morning. I am still grieving this morning.
Many people have labeled me. I preach hard. I do not apologize for that. From that perspective many perceive me to be a hard man uncaring and desensitized to the needs of those around me. What only those who know me best have discovered is that I love deeply. I have a pastor's heart. Because I love so deeply when others hurt I hurt. When others grieve I grieve. When others suffer loss I feel their pain and I hurt for them.
As I write this I think about an elderly gentleman who told me after losing his wife of sixty years he knew he would marry her back when they were fourth grade. His last words to her beside her casket were, "I'll see you babe." Several years passed. A few months ago that reunion finally happened. My old friend departed this life to step into eternity. I miss him.
I miss a friend. I cannot sum up her life in this blog. She died so unexpectedly. Brenda and I still grieve for her. We say all the time we cannot believe she is gone. I also grieve the death of this little girl Turner used to play with. She was so young, full of life and vitality. How can she really be gone and this family left with empty arms to treasure her memories.
I grieve with a friend who recently had to take his oldest child to college. He told me, "I didn't know you could be so happy and so sad at the same time." I hurt for him. Like few fathers I have ever known he has loved and invested in his children. There is a huge void in his heart and I wish I could be there for him to talk and comfort. We do not live in the same town but I miss him and feel his sadness.
I recently received word how a friend in another town is struggling. I miss him. We shared many laughs, God moments, and a few tears together. I miss sitting across the table with him and talking, dreaming, and enjoying his company. It pains me at a time when he really needs a friend I am not there for him.
I think of other families whose lives became intertwined in ours. We never dreamed we would ever have to live apart from them. Though time has passed I have the hardest time letting them go. In fact, I do not want to let them go. Secretly, I pray God will unite us to serve together again all the time.
I write this with a heavy heart. Nobody but God knows how deeply I love. Every church I once served have new pastors. Though they have been able to move on from me I have the hardest time moving on from them. I love them deeply. I care about their well being. I have tried to let go but it is hard. How do you ever let go of people you genuinely love.
I am a rich man. Maybe not monetarily. I am rich in relationships. In the past few days I have spent a great deal of time thinking about that wealth of relationships all over the state. I think of people who stood with us in the toughest of times. I think of those who have repeatedly sacrificed to help us keep ministering. I think of those who stood by my side and helped me to shoulder the load. I think of those who have opened their homes and hearts and who have become more like family than friends. There are people I miss so badly it still moves me to tears including this very moment.
Today I grieve. I grieve for the many people I love and had to leave behind as I followed God. This morning I live with a heavy heart thinking of faces I no longer get to see on a daily or weekly basis. When you love people deeply, you are also going to live with a broken heart.
I grieve with widows who had to leave their husbands at the cemetery way too soon. They now eat meals alone and sleep in beds without the comfort of the love of their lives next to them. They live in houses filled with memories but nobody to share them with. They wake up each day and the phone no longer rings. They feel forgotten. Forsaken. I miss getting to make a pastoral visit from time to time. I grieve for people caught in the throes of sin and they cannot find their way out. I grieve over people living with broken hearts and shattered dreams. I grieve for others I know in ministry who are enduring various trials.
The weight of all this presses on my heart this morning. I do not want you to read this wrong. Faith Community Church is enjoying the best days in our short history. This in no way means I am less committed to God's call on my life to plant this church. Our fellowship is sweet. 28 of us went to lunch together yesterday. People linger long in huddles laughing and talking long after the service is over. God is doing a special work here and I love these people too. I love the Paradise community.
I still grieve over others and with others. I grieve because I love. I wish I could mention so many by name but I would forget someone causing hurt feelings. If you are reading this and begin to think, "Matt is thinking of me. He is grieving over me." You are right. Suffice it to say I love the flock I serve now as well as those flocks I served in the past. In some cases our time together was cut way too short. I have gone into every church believing I would serve there the rest of my life. Experience has taught me to love and enjoy people because you never know when God might call someone home or call them or me to relocate.
Yes, I grieve today but not as a pastor with no hope. I will see the dead in Christ again. Some of the people we had to leave behind will be reunited with us in this lifetime. We live in the same community and have unbroken fellowship again. Others we will continue to love from a distance. Only God can comfort the heart of this broken hearted and grieving pastor.
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