Honest Confession

I have not written in awhile. I have thought about it. Numerous times I have sat down at this  computer to write but time and again I exited and walked away concluding I really had nothing to say. That is only partly true. The real truth is I had nothing to say most people would want to read. I did not feel the freedom to be completely honest. I hate pretense and did not have it in me to fake it.

The truth is I feel like I have been in a war. There have been numerous trials and they have taken their toll. The abundant life is foreign to me. Though I continue to read scripture, pray, and seek God with all my heart God remains silent. This has lasted for a long time. The frustration this has brought is beyond my ability to express. I cannot understand why God has not spoken to me in a clear and undeniable way in a long long time.

My back is against the wall more than ever financially. The church is not doing well spiritually, financially, or numerically. The weight of all this has worn me down. Mainly I am worn down because there are seasons when I do not cast the burdens on the Lord. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot turn myself or circumstances around. Only God can and I throw these burdens onto Him.

I feel like a hollow shell of the man I used to be. I feel numb to life. I do not feel those positive emotions of joy and peace enough. Daily I go through the motions of living without feeling. Life feels like I am treading water for survival day in and day out. I have lost more battles lately than I have won. I feel more alone and isolated in this present condition. While I talk to God mostly, I am not gaining victory. Many days I lose ground. The fires are not burning in me with passion like they have in the past. I stand in need of personal revival.

Truth be told I am losing heart. I know myself far too well. I am impulsive. I have struggled with being content in ministry no matter where I have served over the years. I live with MANY past regrets. I sin more and more in actions and attitudes. I feel like a hypocrite much of the time while on the other hand fervently crying out to God for a greater desire for Him and holiness. I repent and plead with God to deliver me from this pit I am not changing. I do not blame that on God. I am the one at fault.

I am not well. I am broken. I have often told Brenda something is broken deep down inside of me I do not know how to fix. Quiet times have not done it. Reading books have done it. Talking to Brenda and a few trusted friends have not brought the long sought for relief. Past prayer retreats have not brought the needed healing. I do not know how to fix me. To this point all attempts have failed.

God has sustained me day by day and month by month for the past three years. When I thought I could not preach another sermon God sustained me. One day I woke up and never felt less like preaching in my whole ministry than that day. God helped me. Many days I have willed myself to go through the day.

Life and ministry have not been easy. I do not ask for specially sympathy. Many have it worse than me. If I am honest though the past three years of starting this church and the controversy surrounding returning to a community we once called home have taken a huge toll. They have been three of the harder years of my life. Three years of extremely trying times. The battles have been fierce and accompanied by a life of faith trials for nearly two decades,  I find myself today weary and worn. The abundant life seems out of grasp. I am more defeated than victorious.

For all these reasons I have been unable to write anything. I had no inspiration. Many times I have written to encourage and console others hurting. I am the one hurting and in need of God's gracious touch.

Some of you reading this know me. We have walked a few miles in life and ministry together. If I have ever needed prayer it is now. This is my honest confession.