"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship." [Rom 12:1]
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." [Gal 2:20]
Some lessons are harder to learn than others. While away on the prayer retreat the second lesson the Lord brought to me convicted me of totally surrendering. This meant going way back and learning to die to every dream, claim, hope, aspiration, and agenda I ever had for my life. Voluntarily climbing upon God's altar and surrendering everything is not easy. On that altar I had to die, not in the physical realm, but in the emotional and spiritual realm. I had to let go of everything I have kept firmly in my grasp.
I had to die to the dream of being a widely published author. I had to surrender to the possibility my books will never be best sellers. I had to fully embrace the possibility that I will never be published wider than the town I live and minister in and I have to be okay with that. I also have to die to any dream of success as a pastor as that might relate to a large church. If God wills me to shepherd a group of one hundred or less I have to accept that joyfully. If I never have retirement money set aside and spend the rest of my days trusting God for my daily bread then so be it.
Totally surrendering might be the hardest lesson I had to learn. I am still learning it. You see Paul wrote for us to present our bodies as a living sacrifice. When something is alive it can wiggle and squirm on the altar until it has freed itself. This is what I have done over the last year. I climbed upon the altar as I left Seminole over a year ago but I struggled to squirm free because the pain became too great. God desires all of us to voluntarily lay our lives on the altar. The altar was a place a slaughter. Do not miss this truth. To get on the altar means to die to our rights, plans, agendas, hopes, and dreams. It means God gets to call the shots without asking our permission or opinion.
Likewise the crucified life is not easy. It is painful to die to dreams. Here are just a few things I died to. I died to the right that I do not have to serve as both pastor and youth pastor at Faith Community Church. I died to the right that I will one day not have to mow and be bi-vocational. I died to ever serving a large church. I died to selling thousands upon thousands of books. I died to home ownership. I died to driving the latest cars, wearing the most fashionable clothing, and having my pockets chock full of cash.
Totally surrendering means crucifying every right you think you have or deserve on your life. Some of those rights do not die easily. They will not surrender without a life and death struggle. Only Christ can put those things to death. Only He can hammer in the last nail.
Strangely when I let go of the reigns of my life and quit fighting and resisting God a peace came. I had to die to ever having a long term ministry in any church. I had to let go of Faith Community Church, FBC Seminole and FBC Paradise. My life is laid on the altar of God and He has every right to do with me as He pleases. One of the liberating things about seeking to totally surrender is all the pressure is taken off me to perform. All I have to do is to follow and obey.
I recall three and a half years ago being asked to travel to FBC Seminole to preach a Disciple Now. The church did not have a pastor at the time and the youth minister came to me on Saturday afternoon telling me the search committee was interested in me. I had been at FBC Paradise for four years and really thought I would spend the rest of my life in that ministry. We were very contented there.
I wrestled with God in prayer all that afternoon. I ended up changing the message that night and preached a message more for me than anyone else in that church. I preached from [Rom 12:1] During the invitation I walked down from the stage and went over to where the organ was located. I knelt down and prayed this prayer, "Lord if nobody else in this room really means they will lay their lives down for you I mean it. If that means I have to uproot my comfortable life in Paradise to come to Seminole I will do it. My life is yours and you can do with me as you please." Four months later I became the pastor of FBC Seminole. My life remained on the altar while serving in Seminole and two years later it seemed the Lord called me to pack up and leave to start a church. Again my life being crucified with Christ had no rights. I had to follow and obey.
While on the prayer retreat I prostrated myself on the floor of that cabin. With no one around but the Lord and me, I once again climbed onto God's altar and offered my whole life. I made myself available to stay at Faith Community Church for the remainder of my days. I made myself available to go anywhere else He might lead in the future. I even made myself available to leave the pastoral ministry and begin traveling as an evangelist full time if He wanted. Nothing off limits. Nothing held back. Total and absolute surrender as best I knew how to offer it. I gave God my yes without even knowing what all that might mean in the future.
At least for now that is to serve as the founder and pastor of Faith Community Church in Paradise, TX. All I can see is right in front of me. I do not have any other agenda. Regardless of whether I am blessed to be entrusted with a large flock or a large traveling ministry I am crucified with Christ. I have no rights to call the shots in my life or to rebel against the hardships. No matter if road is smooth or rough I yield. I give up controls. I surrender totally.
While on the retreat I read a book about some missionaries who really had to suffer a great deal of personal grief and loss in the cause of Christ. Their response to God in the midst of heart wrenching trials and tragedies humbled and convicted me. John Paton had to dig the graves for his wife and child and bury them alone on foreign soil. He did not quit and he kept trusting God though his heart was shattered. He spent many a day and night at those two graves grieving and grappling for peace. God sustained Him because he was totally surrendered. Adoniram Judson buried two wives and seven children as he served Christ in Burma. He labored for multiple decades. He witnessed for Christ for six years before ever seeing the first person come to Christ for salvation. Judson lived crucified with Christ and never gave up.
When you are really crucified with Christ you die. You die to the rights of a comfortable, secure, and trial free life. So in the living room of that little prayer cabin I died. I offered God my life. All of it and no part of willfully held back. Total surrender. No matter the difficulties. No matter how much my reputation is slandered. No matter how hard the road gets. I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live. Jesus Christ lives in and through the man known as Matt Edwards. I do not know where I will end up but I do know where I will start. On the altar of God as a totally surrendered living sacrifice.
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