As I write this early in the morning I have already been up two hours and we are not even close to the sun rising. I am weary. I have not slept soundly through the night for years and especially over the past few months. I may wake up anytime between 2:30 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. I never know when I will suddenly be awakened from a sound sleep. I go to bed early by most people's standards. I read a lot of scripture during this time. There are extended times of prayer. I read other books and sometimes watch television. I have been watching the news for the past hour while writing this blog at the same time.
The truth is I get weary. The truth is I have been weary for a long time. We all need physical rest but I do not think that is the source of the great weariness of my soul. I am weary in different ways like so many others around me. I am weary spiritually and emotionally. I see others who are enduring the fatigue in their souls as well. It does not take rocket science to figure out why I am so weary when I look back over the past two years of my life. The pace has been insane.
I preached more in 2010 than I had in any one year period in my life. On average I preached five times every week. FIVE TIMES! Do the math. That was 250 times. On top of that we had the twenty-three day revival where I preached twenty-six times in those twenty-three days. So add another 14 messages on top of those weekly messages plus 4 more for a youth winter camp and 8 more for a youth camp and that brings the total for the year up to 276 times for the year. I know now all that preaching took a toll on me more emotionally and spiritually than I realized. I love preaching and teaching. I am passionate about it. I have to be honest now in hindsight and say all of that preaching in many ways emptied my spiritual reserves.
When I look back on that season in my life I remember waking up some days and thinking to myself, "I have nothing left to give." Yet the service times were set and people expected to hear a fresh word from God. Many times that meant my getting up at 3:00 a.m. crying out to God in desperation for another message. Many times during that year I felt only one step ahead of the next service. In the grind of continual message preparation I did not have or take the time to read for pleasure. My life was consumed with getting ready for the next preaching assignment whether that meant at FBC Seminole or the outside preaching engagements people invited me to attend.
The first six months of 2011 were reflective and spiritually draining on top of the fatigue I felt stumbling out of 2010. During the early months of 2011 God began telling me to follow Him but I could not discern what that meant. I heard this message in scripture reading, songs on the radio and even once on a picture Turner colored for me. I wrestled with God in private prayer to discern what following Him meant. That meant more getting up between 3:00 and 6:00 a.m. praying and pleading with God to tell me where He wanted me to follow Him. During April I became sure God telling me to follow Him meant I would leave Seminole. Over the next couple of months that call to follow God became clarified in my heart and mind to mean starting a church in Paradise, TX.
In late June I preached a youth camp in Panama City, FL. I almost resigned from FBC Seminole before leaving for the camp but since the youth group from Seminole would be at the camp in Florida I decided to wait so as not to ruin their camp. I resigned my position at FBC Seminole the following Sunday morning on July 3rd. I drove out of Seminole July 22nd for a preaching assignment in East Texas on July 24th for the Southside Baptist Church who came along side us a sponsoring church. July 31st we met at the daycare as the newly founded Faith Community Church for the first time. The past six months have been a whirlwind of activity. I have served in the dual roles as pastor and youth pastor.
On a weekly basis I am teaching and preaching four times. The real toll of weariness for me is the responsibility to lead and make the many financial decisions related to starting a church. I feel the weight of the new church daily. There are many decisions about how and where to spend the church finances wisely. We do not have our own space and I have not had an office since the church began. The weight of this new church presses on me night and day.
When you accompany all of this with no real vacation time in the past eighteen months I wake up today tired and burdened. Before you jump to the wrong conclusions please hear me out. Yes, I am tired. Most people I know are tired. Other pastors work harder than I. Many men and women routinely put in anywhere to sixty to eighty hours of work on an average week for their jobs. I am not looking for sympathy or pats on the back. I am just taking an honest look at myself and I know I am weary and burdened with all that comes with starting a new church.
I am not throwing in the towel or near cratering and there is only reason for that. Jesus has invited me and you to come to Him. We are invited to bring our weary and burdened souls to Him to find rest. I am talking about more than a good night sleep of rest. I am talking about an inner renewal and refreshing that gives us strength and courage to keep battling, working, and trusting. The kind of rest Jesus offers helps the emotionally battered wife keep loving her husband and trusting God to help her cope and to transform him. To the overworked and underappreciated man Jesus offers rest and recovery of strength.
Jesus gives rest to the weary parent who prays with tears for a defiant and sullen child. Jesus gives rest to the soul weighed down with cares and concerns from business. To those heavy laden with financial burdens Jesus gives rest. To the burned out Jesus offers restoration. To the emotionally numb Jesus grants refreshing.
Just as a machine cannot function properly when the r.p.ms. are maxed out for prolonged period of times neither can our bodies, minds or souls. Jesus invites us to Himself. He is a refuge from the storms of life. He is an oasis in the desert. He is shade from the heat. He is a hiding place from the rat race of life. He is a gentle repose from the continual grind of responsibility.
He offers more to us than a life of just fulfilling our duty as spouses, parents, and workers. I know many who do their duty but have lost vitality. They plod through their responsibilities before falling into bed in sheer exhaustion. These people have little to give emotionally to their families, friends, and more importantly to their God. Yet, these same people will dutifully serve at their local church with little to no joy and waning passion. Before they know what happened these people feel distant from God and emotionally disconnected from people around them.
In this weary state a relentless hunger often arises for pleasure, relief, and entertainment. This explains why so many respected citizens fall off the wagon with poor morale choices. In their fatigue these people just want relief and are willing to find it even in the wrong places. Jesus offers the better alternative. He offers true rest. In His rest strength is recovered as our souls are brought back to life and health. I know hundreds of people who need this.
Today I am being honest. I know words like duty, work, persevering, pressing on as well as others like them are seen as badges of courage and honor. To admit fatigue is a sign of weakness by many. I cannot be concerned how this is perceived by you the reader. The honest truth is I am weary and I know for my physical, emotional, and spiritual health I need to find rest in Jesus. He is my only source for rest.
I propose to do that in two different ways. I will continue to sit with the Lord in my personal devotions. I will also take some time off and get away for an extended time of reflection, rest, and spiritual renewal. Meditating on this scripture has already set me on the path toward healing and revival. Jesus is the only rest for weary souls. Will you take Him at His word today?
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