One Faith Step at a Time

I find myself often staring blankly at walls these days. Each day seems to bring a new wave of grief. Whether it be phone calls, text messages, emails, or face to face visits these days are hard. I do not know that I will ever understand why my following the Lord has to hurt so many other people.

As I sit in the office this Tuesday afternoon I am broken and grieving while at the same time trusting God to put the puzzle together for our next ministry. I am torn on both ends. Brenda and I sat at lunch earlier today mostly silent both lost in our own private thoughts. We are concerned for the people of Seminole. They are tough and have weathered tough times before. It still does not mean that I do not hurt for them. Brenda especially grieves over her Sunday School class and numerous friends she has to leave.

We both prayerfully look to the future and all the unknowns. How will we make it? Where will she work? What do I need to do to provide for the family? Where will we live? How will we pay back the $8,000 tax credit we got as a first time home buyer? It is all pretty overwhelming when you consider everything. We can only walk this journey one step of faith at a time.

I just got off the phone with a realtor as we determine the fair market value of our home. Seminole is flooded with houses for sale unlike when we moved here two years ago. The market was pretty small back then. I cannot put into words the gratitude in our hearts for the people who gave generously and sacrificially so we could purchase a home. None of us thought it would all be so short lived.

I have many questions but few answers right now. I can only walk this journey one faith step at a time. By faith I trust God to raise a buyer for our home. I trust God to sell the house in a timely fashion. By faith I pray that Christian people will buy our home and continue the legacy of faith we hope to leave.

I came home for lunch finding Brenda looking for a job in Wise County on the internet. I know she is willing to work but I also know she wants to be involved in the boy’s lives by having the freedom to attend ball games. She does not complain but all the stress from her dad dying, her mother’s recent surgeries, and now the move has aggravated her arthritis. She is not a complainer. She has been such a helpmate to me over the years. It grieves me that she has to give up financial security and her home because of God’s call. I want to her have the freedom to work if she wants to and not have to work so we can make it. Again we take one faith step at a time.

I had a phone conversation with one of our Senior Adult members who told me he and his wife are grieving. They both thought I would be here to take care of them and preach their funerals. Another lady said she asks God when He will send a pastor who will stay. I often prayed I would be that pastor. I really wanted to stay but God had other plans. Though it hurts to think of preaching in this great historic church for the last time I am mandated by God to take this faith step.

With a heavy heart I brought boxes into my office to start packing and cleaning out my things. It pains my soul. I have met with God in such profound ways in the sanctuary of this office. I can remember walking into this sacred room for the first time and sitting behind the desk after I had been voted on as the pastor. I recall numerous times of prostrating myself in the presence of God and crying out to Him on behalf of this congregation and community in here. I have written blogs, books, and messages from right where I am seated this afternoon. Again the tears form and the grief returns. Only the Lord knows the times we have shared in this office. My next faith step is to go to a ministry where I will have no office. I will have no office in which to pray, study, seek the Lord, read, and write. My office now will be a public library, a restaurant, and a dining or living room.

I will not longer have the comfort of being surrounded by the company of all my books. Most of them will be boxed up until the time comes when I have an office again. I look around the shelves and see books that have challenged me, inspired me, comforted me, counseled me, and stretched me. It is like saying goodbye to some very dear old friends. Again this is another faith step.

There are less than two-dozen houses for sale in Paradise, TX. They are expensive. When I think of my wife having to live in less than desirable living conditions as we have done many times in our ministry it breaks my heart. There was the house infested with mice. We heard three traps go off within minutes of each other often as went to bed. They would come up through the burners of the stove and eat left over food from breakfast. We moved from there to the most roach infested house I have ever seen. That house had a stench in it regardless of the fresh paint and fresh carpet installed. We have also lived in tiny cramped quarters. Through it all Brenda has never complained. She endures it all with an uncommon faith. She confided recently that she is trying to enjoy these last days in her home before she has to give it up. Thinking about it caused her to cry herself to sleep a few nights ago. We have no choice but to take this faith step not knowing where we will live.

It is a whole other faith step to say goodbye to a people we have grown to love and who have loved us with a whole heart. Some in the Seminole community have suggested that FBC has run off another preacher. Nothing could be further from the truth! We have been loved and supported. We have been encouraged, blessed, prayed for, provided for, and embraced. This congregation could not have done more to love and support a pastor than they have done with my family. That is what makes leaving so hard. If I were running from problems or difficult people it would be easier. I am leaving a loving congregation that willingly followed my leadership. They trusted me. They loved the scriptures and hungered to be fed from the pulpit. As I have already mentioned they gave generously so Brenda and I could realize our dream of owning our own home. They prayed and prayed and we experienced 23 days of Heaven on earth during the revival nearly a year ago and then another 11 days of revival this past spring. I have not had that experience with any other congregation. Yet I am called to follow and I do so heavy-hearted one faith step at a time.

I wish God would call others to follow too like us and we could continue to serve together. I wish other people could hear God has clearly and consistently as I have and they would willingly leave everything for the sake of the call. I grow weary in saying goodbye to people I have grown to love so deeply.

That is not to say I do not love the little flock waiting for me in Paradise. They know I love them and they know all to well what the flock at FBC Seminole are going through. They too experienced this same grief. They have assured me of their prayers for my family and FBC Seminole. It does not take away the sting of hurt.

I can function okay when I put myself into planning mode to take care of logistics. When I sit down to pray and reflect the tears cannot be held back. It is hard. Nobody ever said following Jesus was easy. I am called “summoned, invited” to plant Faith Community Church. I cannot disobey the call God has given. Obedience is costly to you and those around you. I know this all too well. Obedience hurts. One faith step at a time I obey.

I do not ask for sympathy. I am glad to follow Jesus by faith. I live for this. I love Jesus more than life, comfort, security, ease, or the American Dream. Don’t any of you dare think my passion for following and serving Christ lessens the pain any. My soul aches. I am empty on the inside trying to make sense why God would call me to Seminole in the first place only to leave these precious people. I never intended to hurt this church. I thought we would be here for the long haul. Many told me over the past two years we would not stay. They said I would leave like the rest and I prayed it would be different for me. I asked God to let me stay numerous times but His clear message for seven months has been, “Follow Me.” I only have one love above love for my family and for the people I shepherd. I love Jesus as much as I know how. For Him and Him alone do I sacrifice and take one faith step at a time. [II Cor 5:7] [Heb 11:8-10] [Matt 4:18-20] [Luke 9:23]