Tears

It is 3:39 a.m. and I can’t sleep. As I sit here tears are streaming down my cheeks and there is an ache in my soul that I cannot describe. Yesterday I did one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Through out the day I had to look into the eyes of people I love to tell them that I was resigning as pastor of FBC Paradise to follow God’s new call on my life. It felt like my heart was wrenched.
I wept unashamedly as I talked with our church and individuals. Tears flowed freely as Brenda and I sat down in our living room and told the boys yesterday afternoon about 4:00 p.m. I know in my mind that we are obeying God but my heart aches and watching my boys hurt yesterday was pain worse than stab wounds from a knife.
After months I finished teaching the book of Revelation last night and then informed the church that I was resigning effective August 23rd. Everyone was shocked and one precious lady came and hugged me and kept asking God why. Even now I cannot stop the tears. If I had been a professional pastor who kept my distance and performed the expected pastoral duties leaving would be easier. I did not do that. I loved my flock and still do. Brenda and I gave our entire selves to this church and to this community.
One senior adult lady told me she thought I would be here to do her funeral. Another man thought we would be growing old together. Most people were supportive and several prayed for us. I came home and wept off and on throughout the night. The boys have seen me cry but not often. They need to know that I love Jesus and will follow Him even when it hurts. I see the hurt in them and have begged God to not put us through this again. When I got out of bed to sit at this computer awhile I ago there were two emails from people that opened the floodgate of tears all over again.
The pain comes because we love so deeply. The tears do not mean that we are not excited about the future and a new ministry. It only means that when we leave part of our souls will be left here. I will always hold a special place in my heart for these precious wonderful people.
I tried to put to rest any ideas that Paradise did something wrong and that is why we are leaving. The truth is they did things right. They loved me. They prayed for me. They encouraged me. They blessed me with gifts and acts of kindness. They learned. They walked by faith. They followed God. They grew and matured and made me love being the pastor here. No pastor could ever ask for a better church than I had the privilege of serving the past four years. While other pastor bemoaned their churches I did not. I sought to never take them for granted.
The Psalmist wrote, “You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in your bottle; are they not in your book.” [Ps 56:8] God keeps records of our tears. He knows the pain, the anguish, and at times the joy that is accompanied with each one. Only in eternity will the depths of my love for the Paradise flock be truly revealed. When words fail me tears tell the true story. God is storing the tears from a church family who are in shock and confusion. God is storing the tears for four little boys who are leaving their best friends to follow God to an unknown church and school. God is storing up the tears for my wife and her family who has enjoyed us living forty five minutes away but now will be separated by five and a half hours. God does not waste tears. Every drop is collected and stored. Every grief, sorrow, pain, heartache, and confusion has been gathered.
I am grieving as I know the flock is grieving and my family is grieving. These are hard days but following God sometimes leads us across some thorny paths. While I grieve over this church, God is stirring affections for a new flock I do not even know yet. For months my heart has been in a tug of war as I prayed and sought the will of the Lord. I already feel a pull and draw to this new flock. I feel a connection and an irresistible attraction to love, serve, and preach the truth to them. In time, I will grow to love them and prayerfully they will grow to love me and my family as well.
It will be difficult to walk away from Paradise but the thrill and the adventure of following God beckons me to a new assignment. Relationships will be forged. Eventually the tears will dry and fresh experiences with God will triumph. I am already seeking the Lord for vision for God’s call on my life but for yesterday and today and for many days in the future I will grieve and tears will continue to fall. More emails and conversations will ensue which will open the dam of fresh tears and more grief.
My life and my family have been blessed and enriched by these Paradise years. Over the next few days as words fail me and I fumble to express myself, when my vocabulary cannot grasp the words needed to express my love and gratitude for a flock who gave me four years I will never forget; when words are not enough tears will have to do.