Authentic

Of all the books in the Bible which is your favorite? If you are like many believers you may not be able to pick out a favorite one. I believe if I were to take a survey the book of Psalms would be at the top of many lists. In Psalms we see David as he walks with God in the triumphs as well as the trials of life. David's Psalms show an authentic heart of a true follower and a true worshiper of God.

Once again I found myself reading in the Psalms early this morning reading Psalm 42. I found it interesting in this Psalm how David expresses his heart as an authentic worshiper in the first part and then as a man facing despair in the latter part. "As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, the living God; when shall I come and appear before God?" [Ps 42:1-2] David pants and thirsts for God. There is a craving, desire and an eager yearning for more of God. That is authentic worship. To make it more inspiring for me is he wrote this on an occasion when he battled despair. David faced enemies. He questioned why God did not rescue from those who sought his demise.

David refuses to settle for the cheap imitation of dutiful devotions, obligatory church attendance or mandated religious rules though. His passion in life included seeking and serving God in his generation. Fundamental to the authentic heart of David was a man after the heart of God. That is who David the warrior and the king was. He was an authentic worshiper. Though a man after God's own heart David had flaws. He had days of depression but you so often see David working through it in the Psalms. He authentically expressed his feelings but ultimately found his hope in God.

I find it startling in the same Psalm where David is expressing his unquenchable desire for more of God he also expresses his despair. "Why are you in despair O my soul? And why have you become disturbed  within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence." [PS 42:5] David faced bouts of depression. He lived with the inner turmoil of a despairing mind and heart.

He is not alone. You might be surprised to learn some of the heroes of the faith we admire so greatly struggled with depression. People like William Carey, David Brainerd, Charles Spurgeon, William Cowper and many others battled depression much or most of their adult lives. Yet these very authentic people still served and worshiped God in their generations. They pressed through despair to find hope in God as David did. In fact, God has used David's struggles to help the afore mentioned people as well as you and I.

We live in a synthetic society. We long to see authentic people. For me that means being authentic in the pulpit as I preach and behind this keyboard as I write. Many people are able to hide their emotions behind a poker face. I unfortunately am not one of those people. When the dark thoughts begin to invade my mind like an un-welcomed intruder those closest to me know it. I become withdrawn. I lose sight of hope and better days. There are days when my emotional state betrays me. On those days I am not a man of faith but a bottom dweller stuck in the miry clay.

At the risk of offending the hearers or readers I have chosen the route of authenticity anyway. Taking such a route is an admission I do not have my act all together. I walk with the Lord daily in the midst of triumphs and trials. I know how to fake it. I have stood on more than one occasion over the past twenty years when my heart ached, my emotions deceived me, and I preached to myself more than any other person present. I have held many things inside even from those closest to me but not from God. I know how to fake it before people but not God. With Him I am completely honest. I am learning to be more and more authentic publicly. There have been days when through tears I sank in a broken heap not understanding the ways of God or why He chose to delay in coming to my aid. There have been many days when I stood in hospitals and  homes grieving with people who lost a spouse, child, or parent and I had no magic words to say. I could only cry with them. I have often sunk again in tears not understanding why God did not intervene to spare the tragedy or answer the prayers for healing.

Today as I prayed over [Ps 42:5] and answered the question as to why my soul despairs. I came up with a list of the specific trials I wrestle with and came up with seven specific ones. I do not think it necessary to share all of those. One by one I laid those things before the Lord. I determined to take them to the Lord and then focus on the Lord and His ability to deal with each situation.

Despair convinces me things will never change and there is no hope. That is being authentic on many mornings. There are many days when this great faith preacher and faith walker barely has enough faith to get out of bed and face the trials of starting a church, helping broken people, and preaching and teaching truth I may or may not see coming to fruition in my own life. Even on those days I continue to seek God through His word and He meets me where I am at. He rebukes my lack of faith, consoles my disappointments and frustrations, and strengthens me for the battles of the day.

When under the spell of despair, there are days when it is hard to write, preach, and relate without it spilling over. As I wrote yesterday, God is so gracious to take His word and to give just what I need to keep going. He has been doing that for over two decades. The truth is I have many good days and I also have many dark days. The greater truth is God walks with me through one as well as the other.

Yesterday and today have been good days and that all goes back to getting fresh words from God and sitting in His presence for prolonged periods of time. Sitting with Him and letting His word wash over me have kept my faith buoyant.

My private battles must remain mine privately. Everyone knows I am frustrated my house has not sold but I deal with so many more dark thoughts than that. Regardless of what challenges I must face I keep going to God as a worshiper. I keep yearning for more of Him and thirst to meet with Him in the privacy of the early mornings. There is no turning back or giving up. Even on the dark days He is the prize I am after and the reward I seek.

I can only hope in my authentic moments, as I wrestle with my life and ministry and find God in the middle of my mess, it serves to help someone else going through dark times. If nobody ever talks about the hard times we think everyone else has it together and we alone struggle. I want to be authentic. When I struggle I trust God to help me through it. I will still praise God on the dark days and come to Him with an authentic but broken heart. When the sun beats down on me and illumines a smooth path I want to be an authentic seeker and worshiper in those triumphal moments as well.

I have not met many authentic people who had the courage to share their struggles, disappointments and private battles. Most choose to fake it and pull the wool over the masses. David certainly did not do this. He lived an authentic life before God and people. His private struggles have been preserved in the Psalms and have served to help millions get through the tough times of life.

God, I thank you for your flawed but authentic servant David. His struggles have helped me the past two days in particular and countless other times over the past twenty years. Thank you for not allowing him to fake it. Thank you for his raw emotions captured in the chapters of Psalms. Reading them has brought strength, comfort, hope, and peace to this troubled soul on many occasions as well as to others. May I have the courage to be authentic and the faith to rediscover your goodness and faithfulness in every season of my life.